Funny Quotes – MyHood

Een besluit dat alleen maar vrienden oplevert is meestal niet het juiste. (B.Clinton)
Kiezen heeft consequenties, niet kiezen ook.
Goede communicatie is net zo stimulerend als zwarte koffie en net zo moeilijk om erna in slaap te vallen.
Het Nederlands elftal is op papier beter dan de meeste andere teams, helaas wordt er op gras gespeeld.
De wijze overdenkt zijn eigen fouten, niet die van een ander.
Nu even niet, zijn de drie toverwoorden die uw leven aangenaam kunnen maken.
Een hobby is pas leuk als je er geen tijd voor hebt.
Sterkte heeft niets te maken met fysieke kracht. Sterkte komt van een onverzettelijke wil. (M.Gandi)
Een leidinggevende is er altijd als hij je nodig heeft.
Computernetwerken doen hun naam eer aan, ze blijken vaak net te werken.
Er gaat meer boven je petje dan eronder.
Een rotschop is ook communicatie.
Doet onthoofden pijn?
Emancipatie houdt op als de auto stuk is.
Reizen geeft een nieuwe kijk op waar je vandaan komt.
Golven is knikkeren voor rijke mensen die te lui zijn om te bukken. (Youp vh Hek)
Een erkende fout wordt snel vergeten, een ontkende fout wordt lang verweten.
Vroeger onstond vaak een communicatieprobleem bij een stroomuitval, van stroomuitval hebben we gelukkig niet zoveel last meer…
Er zijn 60 spieren nodig om nors te kijken en maar 20 om te glimlachen, waarom zou je je dan vermoeien?
Als alles spoed heeft, verdwijnt de haast en blijft het werk liggen.
Mensen die nooit tijd hebben doen het minst.
Belangrijke zaken zijn zelden dringend en dringende zaken zijn zelden belangrijk.
Naarmate we ouder worden sluipt de schoonheid naar binnen.
Je blijft jong door de bereidheid tot verandering.
Er komt altijd een moment waarop je moet kiezen tussen het geld dat je verdient en de tijd die je verliest om het te verdienen.
Je kunt beter een minuut in je leven verliezen, dan je leven in een minuut.
Als de zon schijnt na twee regenachtige dagen, dan is het waarschijnlijk maandag.
Geld lijkt op vet: van beide is genoeg, maar altijd op de verkeerde plaats.
Erken je fouten voordat iemand ze overdrijft.
Gouden regel: onze klanten zijn niet van ons afhankelijk; wij zijn van hen afhankelijk!
Dat er geen intelligente buitenaardse wezens bestaan, wordt feiloos bewezen doordat ze nog geen contact op hebben genomen.
Leerstof: stof dat vrijkomt bij het afvegen van het schoolbord.
Door de ballen de boom niet meer zien.
Communicatie is vaak het grootste probleem van de oplossing.
Doe niet belangrijk maar wees het.
Iedereen wil oud worden, niemand zijn.
Een goed begin is het halve werk, nou nog volhouden in de tweede helft.
Het gras van de buren mag dan wel groener zijn, het moet vaker gemaaid worden.
Niets, maar dan ook niets komt zo vriendelijk op je af, als een kletsnatte hond.
Heb ik alles? ‘n Bord voor mijn kop, stuk in mijn kraag, brok in mijn keel, tranen in mijn ogen, water in mijn handen, lood in mijn schoenen, steen in mijn maag, zware last op mijn schouders? Dan ga ik aan ‘t werk.
Grafschennis door geleerden heet archeologie.
Een kus is een afdruk van een indruk, die met nadruk vraagt om een herdruk.
Hij kende zichzelf, maar alleen van horen zeggen.

Engels

“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country” – John F. Kennedy
“An eye for an eye will only leave the world blind.” – Mahatma Gandhi
“Whoever controls the media controls the mind.” – Jim Morrison
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.” – St. Hanlon
“Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time…it’s just not worth it.” – American History X
“To be loved is one thing. To love someone is another. To be loved by the one you love is everything. ” – Anonymous
“It’s hard to keep your balance when you stand corrected.” – Cory S.N. LaViska
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
Access denied — nyah nyah na nyah nyah!
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
A clean desk is a sign of a SICK MIND!
A computer program does what you TELL it to do, not what you WANT it to do.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
A dollar saved is a penny earned.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
A friend is someone who comes in when the rest of the world has gone out.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind then it really doesn’t matter.
A good body opens doors, but good hair blows ’em off their hinges. – Sam Malone
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All generalizations are false.
All great truths began as blasphemies. – George Bernard Shaw
All in all, it’s just another brick in the Wall… — Pink Floyd
All I want is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
All mammals have hair. Whales are mammals. Therefore, whales have hair. Shave the whales. — Dogbert
All my life’s a circle, but I can’t tell you why… — Harry Chapin
All our words and deeds are carried on the wind… — Kansas
All’s well that ends.
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? — Jerry Seinfeld
All the world’s a stage, and we are just the players… — Shakespeare/Rush
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All we are is dust in the wind… — Kansas
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Always draw your curves, THEN plot your data.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Always run it out. You can never tell. — Casey Stengel
Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.
A man with one watch always knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
A modest man never talks of himself.
Ancient Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China.
And when I’m dead, if you can tell them this, that what was wood became alive… — Suzanne Vega
An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears this is true.
Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
A penny saved is a penny.
A person with one watch always knows what time it is. A person with two watches is never sure.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
A problem well-stated is a problem half-solved. — John Dewey
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
A slip of the lip can sink a ship.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A sixty day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the sixty-first day.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance
As soon as you say something… …if it’s good, it goes away… …if it’s bad, it happens.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so. — Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney
A truly wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.
Awesome, baby!!! — Dick Vitale
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)hrowup?
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. — David Letterman
Beam me up, Scotty. There’s no intelligent life down here.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer is the answer. What was the question?
Before you find your handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Bereft: what happens when you miss your flight at the Tokyo airport. — B.C., Wiley’s Dictionary
Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” — 100% compression
Beware of the doctor who is great at getting out of trouble.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. — Oscar Wilde
Birth: the leading cause of death. — B.C., Wiley’s Dictionary
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night. — Leo Aikman, Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Born free, taxed to death.
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Brain fried (core dumped)
Budget: a method for going broke methodically.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Buy a Pentium/200 so you can reboot faster.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS – Universe halted.
Can’t anyone here play this game?!? — Casey Stengel
Cats are keen, cats are great… Cats are clean; they lick your plate… — Garfield
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN …. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
COFFEE.EXE missing — insert cup and press any key.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Computer: a device designed to speed up and automate errors.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Confusius say: Put brain in gear before putting mouth in motion.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Courage is mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Damn colonels! Can’t trust any of ’em! — Col. Sherman T. Potter
Deduce: to take all the 2’s out of the deck. – B.C., Wiley’s Dictionary
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Department of Redundancy Department
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who stayed awake every night wondering whether or not there is a Dog?
Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” until you can find a rock.
Divine: what Tarzan uses to get from de tree to de hut. — B.C., Wiley’s Dictionary
Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?– Chicago
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do not play this piece fast. It is never right to play ragtime fast.– Scott Joplin
Do not read this message.
Don’t believe in miracles… rely on them.
Don’t fly with the eagles unless you have a good drycleaner.
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.– Satchel Paige
Don’t give up. Don’t EVER give up.– Jim Valvano
Don’t pay the ferryman, until he gets you to the other side…– Chris DeBurgh
Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. — Old Farmer’s Almanac
Don’t worry about what other people think about you. They’re too busy worrying about what you’re thinking about them.
Don’t worry, be happy. — Bobby McFerrin
Don’t you feel stupid reading a screen saver with no message?
Down with gravity!
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drink varnish and you’ll have a lovely finish.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the Universe together.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
E=MC squared. — Albert Einstein
Employ teenagers – while they know everything.
Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue…
ERROR: Keyboard not attached – press F1 to continue…
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everybody have fun tonight… everybody Wang Chung tonight…– Wang Chung
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Everyone eventually stops smoking.
Everyone should believe in something… I believe I’ll have a beer.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones
Experience is what you get when you don’t read the directions.
Fifty percent of the game is ninety percent mental.– Yogi Berra
Fodder: da person your mudder married.– B.C., Wiley’s Dictionary
Football: the podiatrists’ annual collation– B.C., Wiley’s Dictionary
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. — Main’s Law
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson
Frank, you will never be elected the ugly American. You’re overqualified! — Hawkeye Pierce
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Give blood. Play hockey.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give me liberty, or give me death! — Patrick Henry
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
God is too big to fit into only one religion.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. — Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled. — Mark Twain
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
…Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been warned.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Help! I’m trapped in an infinite loop!
Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
He’s dead, Jim! Quick, you grab his tri-corder! I’ll grab his wallet!
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
He who dies with the most toys wins.
He who hesitates is probably lost.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives in grass house shouldn’t stow thrones.
Hey, Mister, you vant to buy a duck?
Hit any user to continue…
Hit the “any” key to continue…
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team.
Hofstader’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even if you take Hofstader’s Law into account.
Hopefully, I’ve helped make this a smoother running war for all of us.– Major Frank Burns
How can there be self-help groups?
How can you say we use sex to get what we want!?! Sex is what we want!!!- Frasier Crane
How come “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?- Ziggy
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?– Jerry Seinfeld
How do snowplow drivers get to work?
How do they get model ships into such a small bottle opening?
How far to the Point of Know Return?– Kansas
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
How much wood would a woodchuck peck if a woodpecker could grind ground?
How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker would peck wood?– Woody Woodpecker
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.– Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.– A. Whitney Brown
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.– Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
I came, I saw, I left.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
I can’t complain, but sometimes, I still do…– Joe Walsh
Ich bin ein Berliner. (I am a jelly doughnut.)– John F. Kennedy
I compute; therefore, IBM.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Idiot: a member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
I don’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.
I don’t know what the secret of success is, but the secret to failure is trying to please everybody.– Bill Cosby
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!
I don’t think it’s right that only one company should be allowed to make the game “Monopoly.”– Steven Wright
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a horse can’t eat it, then I don’t want to play on it!– Dick Allen (about AstroTurf)
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?– Jerry Seinfeld
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If anything can go wrong, it will.– Murphy’s Law
If all cats land on their feet, and if bread always lands butter-side down, then what happens if you put butter on back of a cat?
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If a man eats a pound of pasta and a pound of antipasto, would they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry? — Dogbert
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?– Gary Larson, The Far Side
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.– Dave Barry
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If builders built buildings the way programmers built programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If “clothes maketh the man” then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.– Mark Twain
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
If Hawaii is an island, then why do they have interstate highways?
If I don’t throw it, he can’t hit it.– Lefty Gomez
If I journeyed to the end of the rainbow like Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, “the pot’s at the other end.”
If I spilled spot remover on my dog, would he disappear?
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done!
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.
If it sits on your desk for more than fifteen minutes, you’ve just become the expert.
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
If, mathematically, you get the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will. — Silverman’s Paradox
If Newt Gingrich talks in an empty room, does he make a sound?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one side of the brain controls the opposite side of the body, then only left-handed people are in the right frame of mind.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown?
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
If “Pro” is the opposite of “Con,” then “Progress” is the opposite of “Congress.”
If Seven-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If the automotive industry had accomplished in 50 years what the computer industry has in the last 10, a Rolls Royce would cost $0.50 and get a million miles to the gallon.
If the Big Ten includes some of the finest academic institutions in the country, then why can’t they count?
If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, pound the table and yell like hell.
If the law of gravity keeps us on the earth, then what did we do before the law was passed?
If the plural of “goose” is “geese,” then why isn’t the plural of “moose” “meese”?
If the plural of “mouse” is “mice,” then why isn’t the plural of “house” “hice”?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If time slows down as you reach the speed of light, and time flies while you’re having fun, does that mean if you walk slowly you have more fun? Or do you just get more light? — Dogbert
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you build it, he will come.– some voice
If you can’t be kind, be vague.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice…– Rush
If you crossed the International Date line on your birthday, would you still get presents?– Dilbert
If you don’t care where you are, you aren’t lost.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
If you drink, don’t drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
If you expect the unexpected, then how can it be unexpected?– Ziggy
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you help a friend in need, he’ll be sure to remember you… the next time he’s in need.
If you lick the air, does it get wet?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it never was.
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.
If you mix vodka with milk-of-magnesia, you get a Philip’s Screwdriver!
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words “dot com” to the end of everything you say, dot com.
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you spend your life looking down, you’ll miss the sun… but you’ll never fall in a big hole!– Ziggy
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, just try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
If you want to get to heaven, you’ve gotta raise a little hell…– Ozark Mountain Daredevils
If you want truly to understand something, try to change it.
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow but only to be troubled and insecure?
I get mail; therefore, I am.– Dilbert
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.– Hunter S. Thompson
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I’ll be back.– Arnold
I’ll have what the gentleman on the floor is having.– Shoe
I’ll see you on the Dark Side of the Moon.– Pink Floyd
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love cats. They taste just like chicken.
I love humanity. It’s PEOPLE I can’t stand!– Linus Van Pelt
I’m an athiest. Swear to God!
I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.– Finagle’s Third Law
In case of air attack, drive off bridge.– Sign spotted on the Triborough Bridge
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Insanity is just a state of mind.
Interchangeable parts aren’t.
In the beginning, the Universe was created. This made a lot of people angry, and is widely regarded as a bad move.– Douglas Adams
I once had a box of powdered water. I didn’t know what to add.– Steven Wright
Is “anal retentive” spelled with a hyphen?
I should keep myself busier. Times flies when you’re busy. Which means you die sooner. I better sit right here.– Dogbert
Is it okay to yell “Movie” in a crowded firehouse?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
i souport publik edekasion
Is there another word for “synonym”?
It ain’t over ’til it’s over. — Yogi Berra
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It has the three things that make a movie great: horses, cowboys, and horses. — Col. Sherman T. Potter
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
I tawt I taw a putty-tat!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — A Bit of Fry and Laurie
I think Man is the most interesting insect in the Universe, don’t you agree? — Marvin the Martian
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am! — Monty Python
I think; therefore, I am.
I think, therefore, I am. But I’m micromanaged, therefore, I am not. — Dilbert
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have… oh, GIVE ME A DRINK! — Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It’s a dog-eat-dog world… and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear. — Norm Peterson
It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It’s hard to fly with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
It’s not easy being green. — Kermit the Frog
It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
It’s not that a lot of fishermen lie, it’s just that a lot of liars fish.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
It’s not what we don’t know that causes trouble. It’s what we know that ain’t so. — Will Rogers
It’s not where you may be, it’s what you can see that takes you there, your destination… — Boston
It works better if you plug it in.
I used to spend my childhood playing with a Slinky on an escalator. — Steven Wright
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
I’ve got two cheeks, Mr. Rickey. — Jackie Robinson
I was so much older then… I’m younger than that now. — The Byrds
Just a bit outside! — Bob Uecker
Just because something doesn’t do what you meant it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless. — Thomas Edison
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean everyone’s out to get you.
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Just do it. — Nike
Just what you want to be, you will be in the end… — The Moody Blues
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry
Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. — Casey Kasem
Laugh alone, and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
Leadership isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you learn by reading Dogbert books. — Dogbert
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Like the pine trees lining the winding road, I got a name…– Jim Croce
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.– Forrest Gump
Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. — Ashleigh Brilliant
Losing your license is just God’s way of saying “BOOGA BOOGA!!!”
Love thy neighbor… just don’t get caught!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
May the force be with you.– Ben Obi-wan Kenobi
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.– George Carlin
Measure twice, cut once.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Miracle: when the probability of something happening is infinitesimally close to, but not exactly, zero.
Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.
Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Mr. McGee, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. — Dr. David Bruce Banner, a.k.a. The Incredible Hulk
Murphy’s Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.
Musicians do it in rhythm.
Musician’s Theory of Relativity: E=F-flat
My body is my business. Right now, I’m having a “going out of business” sale. — Rosie O’Donnell
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. — Ashleigh Brilliant
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Postive expectations yield negative results.
Never allow a Vogon to read poetry to you. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Never argue with a fool… people might not know the difference.
Never buy beachfront property with a lifeboat on the porch.– B.C.
Never buy wine which has a “sell by” date on the bottle.– B.C.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never get laser surgery from a doctor who dresses up like Darth Vader. — B.C.
Never get on a roller coaster which leaves full and comes back half-empty. — B.C.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants are all dead. — B.C.
Never hire a lawyer that says “whatever” a lot. — B.C.
Never open a can of worms, unless you plan to go fishing.
Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself. — Hartley’s Second Law
Never stay at a hotel whose room service number has a different area code. — B.C.
Never trust a gynecologist who asks your wife to have five or six drinks before the appointment. — George Carlin
Never trust a proctologist with poor depth perception.– George Carlin
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. — Andrew Tannenbaum
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
News flash: The world will end at six. Film at eleven.
Nice guys finish last. — Leo Durocher
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Nobody’s perfect and since I’m nobody…!
No man is a failure who has friends. — Clarence, from It’s a Wonderful Life
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. — Scott’s First Law
No matter where you go, there you are! — Buckaroo Banzai
No matter which way you ride, it’s uphill and against the wind. — First Law of Bicycling
No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes… — The Who
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Nothing in fine print is ever good news. — Andy Rooney
Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. — Pohl’s Law
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Nothing is foolproof, because fools are so damned ingenious.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. — Weiler’s Law
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
No two identical parts are alike.
…Now, your life’s no longer empty, and surely heaven waits for you… — Kansas
Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest. — Linus Van Pelt
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
Oh, ho, we’ve got trouble, with a capital “P” and it rhymes with “T” and it stands for POOL. — Prof. Harold Hill
Old musicians never die, they just decrescendo.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just fade back and pass away.
Old soldiers never die, they just fade away. — Gen. Douglas MacArthur
Old songwriters never die, they just decompose.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.” Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to close it is to use a larger can.
186,000 miles per second… It’s not just a good idea… it’s the law!
One nice thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people.
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
One time, this girl calls me and says “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” So I went over. There was NOBODY HOME! — Rodney Dangerfield
Only adults have trouble with child-proof caps.
On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”
Optimism is bringing a camera when you go fishing. — Ziggy
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Oxymoron: Clean Laundry
Oxymoron: Corporate Intelligence
Oxymoron: Country Music
Oxymoron: Dance Music
Oxymoron: Efficient Bureaucracy
Oxymoron: Ethical Lawyer
Oxymoron: Friendly Fire
Oxymoron: Good Morning
Oxymoron: Humble Trumpet-player
Oxymoron: Ice Beer
Oxymoron: Jumbo Shrimp
Oxymoron: Military Intelligence
Oxymoron: Rap Music
Oxymoron: Student Athlete
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.
People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
Playing music is supposed to be fun. It’s about heart, it’s about feelings, moving people, and something beautiful, and it’s not about the notes on a page. I can teach notes on a page. I can’t teach you that other stuff.– Mr. Holland
Press [CTRL-ALT-DEL] to continue…
Programmer: a red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Programmers do it recursively.
Programmers don’t die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Psychiatrists say that one out of every four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re not, you’re it.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quality assurance doesn’t.
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Remember my friends, take my advice;
Lower your pants and slide on the ice. — Maj. Sidney Freedman
Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.– David Ogilvy
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.– Mark Twain
School is a place with four walls and tomorrow inside.– Lon Watters
Seen it all a hundred times, still I think there surely must be more…– Kansas
Self-sticking labels don’t.
Seminars: from “semi” and “arse”, any half-assed discussion.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn’t have it, chances are you won’t, either.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question; “Yes” is the answer.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Show me a man whose smile is an umbrella, and I’ll show you a man with wet teeth.– B.C.
Show me a man with head held high, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get used to bifocals.– Morse Telegraph Newsletter
Show me, don’t tell me, I’ve heard it all before…– Rush
Show respect for age. Drink good scotch for a change.
640K ought to be enough for anybody.– Bill Gates, 1981
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: Of all the radio stations in Chicago … we’re one of them.
Slow down, you move too fast, you’ve got to make the morning last…– Paul Simon
Smile – it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
Smile – it’s the third best thing you can do with your lips.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.– Douglas Adams
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.– Emo Phillips
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.– Stephen King
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”– Charlie Brown
Sometimes, I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep.
Sometimes, life is a dog – and you’re a fire hydrant.
Sometimes, the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.– Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes, too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes, you eat the bear, and sometimes, the bear eats you.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Sow your wild oats on Saturday. Then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
Still crazy after all these… beers.
Stop the world… I wanna get off!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.– Mark Twain
Take the Long Way Home…– Supertramp
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.– Charles Kuralt
That’s just the way it is, some things’ll never change, that’s just the way it is, ah but don’t you believe them…– Bruce Hornsby
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind…– Bob Dylan
The best antiques are old friends.
The best-laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait for it to stop rolling and then pick it up.– Bob Uecker
The best way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.– Perkin’s Postulate
The brain is an amazing organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chances of the bread falling butter-side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The cream rises to the top…Â Â Â Â …so does the scum.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them. — William Clayton
The earth doesn’t belong to us. We belong to the earth.
The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
The first myth of management is that it exists.– Heller’s Law
The game never ends when your whole world depends on the turn of a friendly card…– The Alan Parsons Project
The gene pool could use a little more chlorine.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The good things in life are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”. The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”. The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”. The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. — Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
The Lord giveth, the fine print taketh away.
The Lord giveth, the government taketh away.
The medium is the message.– Marshall McLuhan
The meek shall inherit the earth – they are too weak to refuse.
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.– Plutarch
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.– D. E. Knuth, 1967
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.– Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Them that has, gets.– Iron Law of Distribution
…Then there was the guy who was so dumb that he couldn’t spell I.Q.
…Then there was the guy who was so dumb that he failed his blood test.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.– Salvador Dali
The only reason they call the game “golf” is because all the other four-letter words were taken.– Leslie Nielsen
The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
The only thing to fear is fear itself.– Franklin D. Roosevelt
The other line moves faster.– Etorre’s Observation
The purpose of the lower class is to scare the crap out of the middle class.– George Carlin
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs.
The reason God created alcohol was to keep the Irish from taking over the world.– Sign spotted in an Irish pub
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane.” If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There’s always one more bug.– Lumbarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There’s no crying in baseball! — Tom Hanks
There’s no “I” in “team.”
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?– Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.– Jonas Salk, MD
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made!
The sixth sick shiekh’s sixth sheep’s sick.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sun never sets on the British Empire because the English are afraid of the dark.
The system has experienced a General Protection Fault: brain fried.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.
The wrong pitcher is the one that’s in there.
The wrong quarterback is the one that’s in there.
There are no answers, only cross-references.– Weiner’s Law of Libraries
There are not two sure things in life but three: death, taxes, and change.
There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count, and those who can’t.
There are two kinds of adhesive tape: that which won’t stay on, and that which won’t come off.
There are two things that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no man more blessed than he who has nothing to lose.– Hawkeye Pierce
There is no such thing as a straight line.
There is nothing so small that it can’t be blown out of proportion.
There is nothing wrong with sex on television, just as long as you don’t fall off.
There’s a difference between thinking you’re God’s gift to women and knowing that you are.– Sam Malone
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, they call me Deacon Blues…– Steely Dan
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.– Dorothy Parker
This week’s gonna be one long Monday.– Garfield
Those who can, do. Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach, administrate. Those who can’t administrate, run for office. Those who can’t write, write manuals. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy
Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Time keeps flowing like a river to the sea… — The Alan Parsons Project
Time’s fun when you’re having flies. — Kermit the Frog
Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. — Lou Gehrig
To be, or not to be, that is the question. — William
2B, or not 2B, that is the question. — Bugs Bunny
To err is human… to blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human… to forgive is divine.
To err is human… to really screw things up requires a computer.
To get a beautiful rose, sometimes, you have to shovel a lot of manure. — Cpl. Max Klinger
Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West
Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.
Treat yourself to at least one present every day. — Kyle McLaughlin in Twin Peaks
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
Trust me! — Indiana Jones/Joe Isuzu
Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a sip from a fire hose.
24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Variables won’t; constants aren’t. — Osborn’s Law
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can’t find them.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
We didn’t lose… we just ran out of time. — Greg Monroe
We gotta get out of this place… — The Animals
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
“Weird” is not an absolute, but a relative term. — Baron Frank N. Furter
We’ll win – I guarantee it. — Joe Namath
We’re just ordinary average guys… — Joe Walsh
We’re part of the fire that’s been burning, and from the ashes we can build another day… — The Moody Blues
We’re still havin’ fun, and you’re still the one… — Orleans
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she willÂ never sit down on a cold one anymore. — Mark Twain
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. — Robert Wilensky, ILP 1996
What a writer’s wife doesn’t realize is that a writer is working when he is staring out the window.
Whatever can be copied by Microsoft, will.
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. — Law of Probability Dispersal
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
What, me worry? — Alfred E. Newman
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. — From “Basic Sex Facts For Today’s Youngfolk” in “Life In Hell” by Matt Groening
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. — Leibowitz’s Law
When in doubt, mumble.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” — Quentin Crisp
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When the cat’s away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. — Lynch’s Law
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When the going gets tough, to hell with it.
When two planes nearly collide, why is it called a near-miss? — George Carlin
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world’s composed of aluminum and vinyl. — Flugg’s Law
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Where do we go from here, now that all of our children are growing up…? — The Alan Parsons Project
Whoever it was that said “Don’t let little things bother you” wasn’t trying to sleep in a room with a mosquito!
Who’s General Failure, and why’s he reading my hard disk?
Who’s this FICA person, and why’s he taking so much of my money?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do drive-up ATMs have braille keypads?
Why does it take so long to play the Minute Waltz?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Why do soda machines still have the little disposal niche for pull-tabs?
Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”? — Jerry Seinfeld
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Why is a ball which hits the foul pole a fair ball?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? — Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it that the bag that breaks is always the one with the eggs?
Why is it that when a figure is close, it’s “in the ballpark,” but when it’s way off, it’s “out in left field”?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Windows: just another pane in the glass.
Windows 95: n. 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can’t stand 1-bit of competition.– PC Magazine
Winning isn’t everything… it’s the only thing. — Vince Lombardi
Winning isn’t everything… there’s also the cheers, the celebration, and the bragging rights!
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm
Without you, your life would be meaningless.
Women… can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.
Women… can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.
Women… can’t live with ’em… pass the beer nuts. — Norm Peterson
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned, I know it sounds absurd, but please tell me who I am… — Supertramp
Woodwind players do it for trills.
Work fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Work smarder, not harder, and be careful of yor speling.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? — Jerry Seinfeld
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Yield to temptation… it may not pass your way again. — Lazarus Long
You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all alike.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool MOM.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something. — Hartley’s First Law
You can make it foolproof, but you can’t make it damnfoolproof.
You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You can’t always get what you want… — The Rolling Stones
You don’t have to think too hard when you’re around teachers. — J.D. Salinger
You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind,
you don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Jim. — Jim Croce
You have made me very angry! Very angry indeed! — Marvin the Martian
You know how most packages say “Open here.” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
You know it’s a bad day when you go to put on the clothes that you wore to the party and there aren’t any.
You know it’s a bad day when your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
You know it’s a bad day when your car horn goes off and remains stuck while you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your twin forgets your birthday.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you wake up and discover that your waterbed has sprung a leak, and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you wake up face-down on the pavement.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
You know you’re in a small town when you don’t have to use your turn signal ’cause everyone knows where you’re going!
You know you’re in a small town when you use the phone, get a wrong number, and end up talking for fifteen minutes anyway!
You know you’ve had a bad day when you come home and find a 60 Minutes camera crew waiting for you.
You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one… — John Lennon
You might be a redneck if you go to family reunions to pick up women. — Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if you have a house that is mobile and five cars that aren’t. — Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if you mow your lawn and find a car. — Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school ’cause you’re both in the same grade. — Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if you refer to the sixth grade as “my senior year.” — Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if your richest relative buys a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it. – Jeff Foxworthy
You never really learn how to swear until you learn how to drive.
You’re only human, you’re supposed to make mistakes… — Billy Joel
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path – Morpheus (The Matrix)
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” – John F. Kennedy
“The best and most beautiful things in life cannot be seen, not touched, but are felt in the heart.” – Hellen Keller
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they want to fight you, and then you win.” – Ghandi
“Objectivity resides in recognizing your preferences and then subjecting them to especially harsh scrutiny and also in a willingness to revise or abandon your theories when the tests fail (which they often do).” – Stephen Jay Gould
â€œA journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.â€ – Lao Tsu
“We dont know our strengths until we’re tested.” – Unkown
“The path to hell is paved with good intentions.” – Unknown
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
“You reap what you sow.” – paraphrased from The Bible
“The possibility that we may fail in the struggle should not deter us from supporting a cause we believe to be just.” – Abraham Lincoln
“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke
“Seek and ye shall find.” – The Bible
“These days, society seems to think any pursuit other than sex or wealth is abnormal.” – Unknown
“Think global, act local.” – Unknown
“I once got caught up in a brainstorm… and ended up getting struck by enlightening” – Unknown
“Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.” – Confucius
“Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.” – Winston Churchill
“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” – Chinese Proverb
“To know oneself is the path to true enlightenment.” – Confucius (?)
“The trouble with going with the flow is, you might wind up getting sucked down the drain.” – Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.” – Unknown
“A bit of fragrance always sticks to the hand that gives you roses.” – Chinese Proverb
“There is no progress without struggle.” – Fredrick Douglas
“Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
“It is the path of least resistance that makes rivers and men crooked.” – B.J Palmer
“He who fights with monsters should take care not to become a monster himself.” – F. Neitsche
“Only out of the deepest dark can come the brightest of lights.” – Malcolm X
“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.”
“Software is like sex: it’s better when it’s free”

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